I wouldn’t exactly say I was sober from the minute I put down the drink and drugs. Looking back to my first few months in recovery, I find myself cringing at some of the things I believed and the ways in which I behaved, such as coming on to a recently divorced man in his early fifties with twin daughters, depression and alcoholism, convinced that he was “the one”. Since my last drink back in May 2015,* the journey of recovery has not been a smooth one, but I’ve learned more than I ever thought I would. Every obstacle life has thrown at me, I’ve managed to overcome, thanks to the tools I’ve picked up along the way. Below are some of the nuggets of wisdom I’ve picked up in recovery that help make life that little bit easier.

1. It is better to understand than be understood

You don’t have to be religious to appreciate some of the prayers taken from AA literature. In the Prayer of Saint Francis (aka the Eleventh Step Prayer) it’s written: “Grant that I may not so much seek to be consoled as to console, to be understood, as to understand”. When I stopped bemoaning the fact that people didn’t seem to get me and focused my energy on trying to better understand them instead, I found I was more able to connect with people and the feelings of loneliness I’d harboured for years gradually began to disappear.

2. If I have one foot in the future and another in the past, I’m pissing all over the present

Excuse the crude analogy, but this does make a lot of sense. One of the AA slogans is “One Day at a Time”, which reminds me time and time again that today is all that matters, for I cannot change my past or control my future. When I feel anxious or overwhelmed, I try to bring myself back to the present moment (sometimes easier said than done) and when I succeed in doing so, I find I think clearer, function better and enjoy myself a (hell of a) lot more.

3. Expectations are just pre-packaged resentments

This refers both to the expectations we have of ourselves and of others. As soon as I begin thinking or saying things like “I should have done this” or “I was expecting him to say that”, I know I’m simply setting myself up for disappointment. In recovery, I have learned to meet various situations without expectations, as that way I avoid developing resentments, which I’ve come to realise are fatal for alcoholics and addicts.

4. This too shall pass

This is another AA slogan, one I have to say to myself on repeat sometimes. I have a tendency to wake up in the morning feeling jittery and quite often the smallest thing can set me off, particularly if I’m hungry or tired (or hormonal). I also go through phases of feeling so low for no obvious reason but rather than questioning my mood or judging it, I simply remind myself that the negative feelings will pass, no matter how interminable they seem at the time.

5. My thoughts are not reality

I’ve lost count of the times a thought has popped into my head and I’ve latched on to that thought, believing it to be real, when there’s absolutely no supporting evidence. It usually has to do with what I think people think about me (and I’m usually incorrect). Someone in recovery told me that thoughts are like bubbles; some disappear almost instantly, others linger around for a lot longer, but they all fade away eventually. Believing everything you think will inevitably land you in trouble so rather than telling yourself “That man just gave me a funny look! He thinks I’m disgusting”, change it to “I’ve just had a thought that that man…” and you’ll soon be able to distinguish between your thoughts and reality.

6. Gratitude is a muscle

Muscles only grow when we use them, and gratitude is no different. Some years ago, I began writing gratitude lists and it is one of the practices I’ve continued religiously, as I’ve learned that gratitude constant work. Initially, when I made those lists, I was simply noting all the things I thought I should be grateful for. Today it’s a different story — through practicing gratitude as a tool in my recovery, I have actually come to feel grateful to be alive and for all that I have.

7. I don’t have to take everything personally

This one was an absolute game changer for me. I used to take everything personally, believing that when someone was rude or dismissive, it was because of something I’d done and it made me feel horribly insecure. Being in recovery has helped me see now that someone’s behaviour is usually reflective of what kind of person they are and what’s going on in their life, not what they think of me. When I succeed in not making it all about ME, the lightness I feel is unsurpassable.

8. Helping others helps fill that void

Like many people suffering from addiction, I have experienced feelings of intense loneliness and emptiness and it seems the more I try to fill that void with substances, the bigger it becomes. The one thing I hear over and over again in AA is the importance of helping others and now I know why; nothing makes you feel better. The pleasure that comes from being of service is not like the short lived pleasure I felt when I would drink, smoke or take drugs, but rather one that leaves me feeling warm and fuzzy for the rest of the day and takes away my need to search for a fix.

9. Pushing through fear is less frightening than living with the underlying fear that comes from a feeling of helplessness

This is my absolute favourite! Fear is at the root of virtually all the negative feelings and behaviours that we addicts exhibit and, although it never totally goes away, it helped me a great deal to learn I don’t have to let it rule my life. This statement, taken from the book “Feel the Fear and Do It Anyway” by Susan Jeffers, could not be more accurate and I’m pleased to say that the feelings of helplessness have diminished each time I’ve overcome a fear.

10. Acceptance is the answer to all my problems

Although it’s much easier said than done, practicing acceptance has been essential in my recovery. Taken from the most famous bit of AA literature, this statement certainly rings true for me, because I spent too long fighting my situation and it got me nowhere. When I can accept myself for who I am, others for who they are, and the world for how it is, no matter what’s going on, I am able to feel peace. It has really helped me to come to the belief that everything happens for a reason, even if that reason is not clear at the time.

*I continued using other mind-altering substances through to September 2016.